Obsessions

"I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth...Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12 v5-10.

This is one of my favourite passages of the Bible - one that I go to often to remind myself of my own weaknesses and to help me with them.

Anyone that knows me well will know that I get easily obsessed with things. Thinking about this properly I can remember my first 'obsession' was when I was about 8 and first started watching Doris Day movies (ok, don't judge!). I remember keeping a list of all the films I had seen and which ones I needed to watch - I suppose my childish mind was attracted to the musical numbers and the ideal of love in those films. I felt the same way about Julie Andrews a bit later and would read all I could about her and watched her films obsessively; my favourite parts over and over again.

Over the years my obsessions have ranged from literary (Noel Coward), musical (REM, Manic Street Preachers, Take That), dead figures (Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger, Stephen Gately) and TV programmes (Glee, Ally McBeal, Jonathan Creek) among many others. Throughout my childhood, teenage years and now adulthood. When I moved house recently, I found all the evidence in scrap books and journals - all the scraps I had collected over the years - books, photos, cut outs from magazines, all there for me to realise I am a complete nut job!

I can obsessively listen to songs over a hundred times, watch clips of favourite bits over and over again, watch youtube videos and read about people like the best stalker, before I even realise what I am doing. I have realised I have more in common with a teenage fangirl than the average person of 29. While I realise that my behaviour is not normal, I still carry on. This is even more amazing, when I stop to consider how precious my free time actually is! Working 11 hours actually at school, then coming home to often spend another 10 hours at home during the week finishing school work, as well as housework and church - where do I fit in the rest?!

Those closest to me have likened it to a mental illness and this makes me really sad. When I stop to analyse my behaviour and realise what I am doing to myself, I can stop; I know I get to the point where I have to stop and I do. I limit my online access and physically do other things. I realise that whatever I am obsessed with has become an idol in my life and I stop it; I try to turn to God again.

But what bothers me, is that I keep repeating the same mistake - I keep getting addicted to things rather than God, I let those things take up my valuable free time rather than trying to make a difference. How often does God forgive the same mistake? Why do I need to have this in my life?

This brings me back to Paul in the Bible passage above. This is obviously my 'thorn', something that takes over if I allow it but when I stop and think about its power on me, it helps me to realise in a very real sense how much I need God. How much I need His grace and forgiveness; this keeps me humble and helps me to understand the drama in other people's lives. I have spoken to a few people on social networking sites with clearly the same issue as me, who use these things as an escape from terrible problems in their own lives. Although I don't have those issues I can relate to that need to escape - the obsessions are really just a way to escape the dullness, 'the hours' that Virginia Woolf refers to. What makes me feel sad, is that just after those things are taken away from me, I realise what an empty life I do lead and my motive for filling the time with these things in the first place.

I would love to say that being a Christian is easy - that problems all disappear, that you feel happy all the time, and for the longest time I thought this was true. Its only since meeting other Christians at work that I realise other Christians struggle with these depressing thoughts - God makes things better by giving you strength to cope, not by removing our 'thorns'.

Hopefully I can start to channel my obsessive nature into something else, something that I've wanted to do for so long - write a novel. God can give me strength in my weakness, of which I am not proud and don't boast - but I will boast in the strength and mercy God gives.