Hello.
If you are here by chance or an old follower I have moved my blog to tumblr:
http://willfuldreamer.tumblr.com/
Hope to see you there!
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
Tuesday, 5 June 2012
Turning thirty
The problem with naming my blog 'a 20-something Christian' is what happens when you turn thirty!
It's happening in January, will think of alternative names in the meantime....
Sunday, 3 June 2012
The Art of Discourse
I have mentioned before, in earlier posts, my love of debate and have been thinking about what it actually says about my character and why I enjoy it so much.
My closest friends are the ones I can chat to about any topic and we're close enough to be able to argue about any given issue and share our personal views without fear of ridicule - that's the best definition of friendship. A friend loves to hear your views, is free to express their own and you both respect the others' right to their opinion.
The boundaries are obvious: never criticise a person's view, rather suggest alternative ways of thinking, whether they are your own or not; never insist on there being a 'winner' (something I struggle with!) and always be honest.
My love of debate comes from the need to question everything until I have an acceptable answer in my mind - a conclusion that I find understandable. I have not always been that curious about life. My Mum enjoys telling the story about when I was standing outside the House of Commons when I was a child and not being interested about my whereabouts, not questioning at all. On the other hand, she always says I craned my neck out of my cot when I was a baby, to see what was around me. I was a particularly nosy baby then! Either way I love to question and debate and am not willing to settle for easy answers.
A debate will always challenge me - the best require research and a full understanding of both sides of the argument. The worst debates are when the 'other side' are not willing to debate but are only interested in getting their view across, have no intention of conceding their point. They don't learn anything in the process. I find this when debating with Jehovah's Witnesses - they never believed I had made valid points, never really questioned their beliefs. I find this very difficult to understand. My own faith journey started when I was eight and I started praying to God who was my best friend when I was bullied, he listened and helped me. It was only when I was older that I challenged myself to see the reason behind my faith. I was determined it wouldn't be blind, but based on reason and fact, as much as possible. The very nature of faith means I cannot prove it but historical evidence supports my faith. It is not blind.
I love being challenged by atheists because it causes me to really think about my answers, what I do believe and how I know these things. It challenges me not just to accept what I have grown used to but to challenge it until I have an acceptable understanding. There are times when it is good to say that I struggle with a certain question or issue too - this is realistic and shows that not all Christians are prepared to argue silly and implausible opinions with zeal but are prepared to say that we don't know all the answers either. A proud Christian is a foolish Christian; a humble Christian accepts that there is a higher Being that knows far more than we do and still loves us.
My closest friends are the ones I can chat to about any topic and we're close enough to be able to argue about any given issue and share our personal views without fear of ridicule - that's the best definition of friendship. A friend loves to hear your views, is free to express their own and you both respect the others' right to their opinion.
The boundaries are obvious: never criticise a person's view, rather suggest alternative ways of thinking, whether they are your own or not; never insist on there being a 'winner' (something I struggle with!) and always be honest.
My love of debate comes from the need to question everything until I have an acceptable answer in my mind - a conclusion that I find understandable. I have not always been that curious about life. My Mum enjoys telling the story about when I was standing outside the House of Commons when I was a child and not being interested about my whereabouts, not questioning at all. On the other hand, she always says I craned my neck out of my cot when I was a baby, to see what was around me. I was a particularly nosy baby then! Either way I love to question and debate and am not willing to settle for easy answers.
A debate will always challenge me - the best require research and a full understanding of both sides of the argument. The worst debates are when the 'other side' are not willing to debate but are only interested in getting their view across, have no intention of conceding their point. They don't learn anything in the process. I find this when debating with Jehovah's Witnesses - they never believed I had made valid points, never really questioned their beliefs. I find this very difficult to understand. My own faith journey started when I was eight and I started praying to God who was my best friend when I was bullied, he listened and helped me. It was only when I was older that I challenged myself to see the reason behind my faith. I was determined it wouldn't be blind, but based on reason and fact, as much as possible. The very nature of faith means I cannot prove it but historical evidence supports my faith. It is not blind.
I love being challenged by atheists because it causes me to really think about my answers, what I do believe and how I know these things. It challenges me not just to accept what I have grown used to but to challenge it until I have an acceptable understanding. There are times when it is good to say that I struggle with a certain question or issue too - this is realistic and shows that not all Christians are prepared to argue silly and implausible opinions with zeal but are prepared to say that we don't know all the answers either. A proud Christian is a foolish Christian; a humble Christian accepts that there is a higher Being that knows far more than we do and still loves us.
Thursday, 12 April 2012
Music
I've written posts before on favourite songs and their meaning to me but wanted to share my thoughts on music in general.
The music we like - bands, singers, genre - often says a lot about us and is something that helps define or group us. In school it oftens helps with the labelling process and determines which group of people you belong to. I never was very good at being grouped so didn't have a particular genre that I kept going back to. I've mentioned before that I have an obsessive nature which is often linked to music. The bands or singers I've obsessed over, over the last ten years probably tell you the rest of the story - I don't have one type of music. I've loved (and still love) various types of music and bands that don't fit in to certain categories. I will always have happy memories of bands like Take That, Boyzone, REM, Manic Street Preachers because they represent a part of my past that I never want to forget. Songs are the gateway to a wonderful memory. I remember listening to certain Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Coldplay albums at university; Take That classics while at primary school and Manic Street Preacher oldies while a teenager. Those songs remind me of the feelings, anxieties and worries I had at those particular times. They bring back memories much quicker than a photo can.
A friend I drove to New Wine with once commented on my eclectic taste of music - dance tunes, rap music, pop, indie, motown and bands he'd never heard of came on in the car and he was amazed that so many different kinds of music came out of my speakers. He loved it. I've often had people comment that they didn't think I was the kind of person to listen to Tupac and know all the words to rap songs. Music is constantly compartmentalised but it doesn't mean we should be. Songs are a great way to express emotion and that's what I use them for. There's nothing greater than shouting 'So What' by Pink when you're angry or admiring God's amazing creation whilst listening to Scandinavian folk bands. Life is all about change and music reflects that.
Programmes like 'Glee' are criticised for not producing much original work and copying, or as some believe, ruining already good songs but actually they encourage this appreciation of a wide range of music. They celebrate different genres including musical numbers and encourage people to step out of their comfort musical zone. They change classic songs and reinterpret them. I'm not ashamed to say I've bought whole albums of music based on one song that 'Glee' did and discovered some great music in the process. 'Glee' appeals to people much younger than me and I'm glad it encourages them to listen to music they perhaps wouldn't have heard of otherwise.
I love discovering new music and recently have spent a small fortune on buying albums of these artists on iTunes. Music expresses moods and emotions far better than I can, either speaking or writing. A writer (I think it was Michael Mayne) has written that music is the closest we humans can get to Heaven and I fully believe that. Music frequently brings me to tears, either happy or sad ones and I feel much closer to God through music. Music truly is the key to life.
The music we like - bands, singers, genre - often says a lot about us and is something that helps define or group us. In school it oftens helps with the labelling process and determines which group of people you belong to. I never was very good at being grouped so didn't have a particular genre that I kept going back to. I've mentioned before that I have an obsessive nature which is often linked to music. The bands or singers I've obsessed over, over the last ten years probably tell you the rest of the story - I don't have one type of music. I've loved (and still love) various types of music and bands that don't fit in to certain categories. I will always have happy memories of bands like Take That, Boyzone, REM, Manic Street Preachers because they represent a part of my past that I never want to forget. Songs are the gateway to a wonderful memory. I remember listening to certain Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Coldplay albums at university; Take That classics while at primary school and Manic Street Preacher oldies while a teenager. Those songs remind me of the feelings, anxieties and worries I had at those particular times. They bring back memories much quicker than a photo can.
A friend I drove to New Wine with once commented on my eclectic taste of music - dance tunes, rap music, pop, indie, motown and bands he'd never heard of came on in the car and he was amazed that so many different kinds of music came out of my speakers. He loved it. I've often had people comment that they didn't think I was the kind of person to listen to Tupac and know all the words to rap songs. Music is constantly compartmentalised but it doesn't mean we should be. Songs are a great way to express emotion and that's what I use them for. There's nothing greater than shouting 'So What' by Pink when you're angry or admiring God's amazing creation whilst listening to Scandinavian folk bands. Life is all about change and music reflects that.
Programmes like 'Glee' are criticised for not producing much original work and copying, or as some believe, ruining already good songs but actually they encourage this appreciation of a wide range of music. They celebrate different genres including musical numbers and encourage people to step out of their comfort musical zone. They change classic songs and reinterpret them. I'm not ashamed to say I've bought whole albums of music based on one song that 'Glee' did and discovered some great music in the process. 'Glee' appeals to people much younger than me and I'm glad it encourages them to listen to music they perhaps wouldn't have heard of otherwise.
I love discovering new music and recently have spent a small fortune on buying albums of these artists on iTunes. Music expresses moods and emotions far better than I can, either speaking or writing. A writer (I think it was Michael Mayne) has written that music is the closest we humans can get to Heaven and I fully believe that. Music frequently brings me to tears, either happy or sad ones and I feel much closer to God through music. Music truly is the key to life.
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
The Fault in our Stars
I've just finished reading this fantastic book, written for young adults apparently, but I loved it!
On the surface its a tad depressing, with the main character telling the story while dying of cancer at the age of sixteen - well aware that the new drug she is on will prolong her life but not save it. She falls in love with Augustus Waters, also a victim of cancer and they grapple with life's issues together, while falling in love.
Hazel and Augustus both discuss the big questions of life (I've already spent a considerable time quoting the book on Twitter!) and I have found it brings up more questions than it answers.
I've always loved asking and debating the 'big' questions - particularly enjoying arguing my point until I win (I'm a tad competitive too!) but this book frustrated me because all the things I had thought I had settled in my mind have become unsettled.
The book questions the need to 'matter', to have meant something to someone else or to be important enough to be remembered - ultimately the purpose of life. If life is short, what is the most important thing if not to make a difference or to be able to declare to the world 'I was here'? The book argues or at least discusses the notion that no one is really remembered after they are dead; it points out that more people are dead now than are alive at the moment and when everyone around you is also dead - the notion of you, your being, is dead in conscious thought too (told you it was depressing!).
If there is no higher Being, no universal truth then what do we live for? Some would argue that humanity deserves to be treated with respect, that in the absence of Absolute Morality we decide what is right and wrong as culture and popular thought morphs and changes. We live to appreciate the 'gold' in life - art, music and nature as well as the frailty and beauty of human relationships. When we say that these things 'mean a great deal to us' we are saying that the "fleeting jolt of meaning" is transitory, that the only value of Art is in being able to pass the time as comfortably as possible. Do stories, art and music inspire us to change, emulate or just to simply 'be'?
Robert Frost writes about this in a poem: 'Nothing gold can stay'. Everything is transitory, our feelings of happiness and tragedy, nothing is felt permanently. We seek happiness and find we cannot keep ahold of it. Should we really be seeking to feel 'content' like St. Paul? Content in suffering as well as in great joy?
I have been told before that I will never be happy - and perhaps that is the real human struggle: the pursuit of happiness. We will perhaps never be happy as our 'voracious ambition... is never sated by dreams coming true, because there is always the thought that anything might be done better and again."
Sunday, 18 March 2012
Go!
The 'great commission' has been a recurring theme on Sundays at church for a few weeks now and has really got my feet itching to be involved in things.
As Christians it is very easy to get comfortable in our safe environment of belonging and love, without thinking of this commission at all. When we do think about evangelism we are led to believe that encouraging people to 'come' to church events, services and Alpha type courses is what we have been called to do. I've fallen into this trap far too easily many times; being very quiet I find it much easier to invite people to events rather than telling people about Jesus, that way they can learn in other ways - other people do the work. But Jesus' great commission isn't to invite people to 'come' it is to 'go'.
I have been so inspired at church this month by people living this in their lives that I really want to get involved and 'go' do something about it.
One man at church uses his profession as electrician to speak to people in their homes about Jesus, a group of people visit prisoners on my island, another group pray and help the Noise which helps young people lead and find out more and another group are starting Street Pastors on the isle of Sheppey. What is great is that all the churches on the island are joined together, all are united in their mission, which is fantastic.
Things are happening - a lovely lady at church said to me this morning that she believed God had led my husband and I to this church to be a part of this and I really believe He has. I had been thinking of other things, becoming stale in my faith and becoming what I have always dreaded becoming - a Sunday Christian. Moving to a new area left me unsettled and not knowing what to do or how to be involved. Though I'm not sure in what capacity God wants me to be involved, I'm going to involve myself in as many things as possible to really follow Jesus' command to 'go'.
As Christians it is very easy to get comfortable in our safe environment of belonging and love, without thinking of this commission at all. When we do think about evangelism we are led to believe that encouraging people to 'come' to church events, services and Alpha type courses is what we have been called to do. I've fallen into this trap far too easily many times; being very quiet I find it much easier to invite people to events rather than telling people about Jesus, that way they can learn in other ways - other people do the work. But Jesus' great commission isn't to invite people to 'come' it is to 'go'.
I have been so inspired at church this month by people living this in their lives that I really want to get involved and 'go' do something about it.
One man at church uses his profession as electrician to speak to people in their homes about Jesus, a group of people visit prisoners on my island, another group pray and help the Noise which helps young people lead and find out more and another group are starting Street Pastors on the isle of Sheppey. What is great is that all the churches on the island are joined together, all are united in their mission, which is fantastic.
Things are happening - a lovely lady at church said to me this morning that she believed God had led my husband and I to this church to be a part of this and I really believe He has. I had been thinking of other things, becoming stale in my faith and becoming what I have always dreaded becoming - a Sunday Christian. Moving to a new area left me unsettled and not knowing what to do or how to be involved. Though I'm not sure in what capacity God wants me to be involved, I'm going to involve myself in as many things as possible to really follow Jesus' command to 'go'.
Saturday, 17 March 2012
Obsessions
"I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth...Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12 v5-10.
This is one of my favourite passages of the Bible - one that I go to often to remind myself of my own weaknesses and to help me with them.
Anyone that knows me well will know that I get easily obsessed with things. Thinking about this properly I can remember my first 'obsession' was when I was about 8 and first started watching Doris Day movies (ok, don't judge!). I remember keeping a list of all the films I had seen and which ones I needed to watch - I suppose my childish mind was attracted to the musical numbers and the ideal of love in those films. I felt the same way about Julie Andrews a bit later and would read all I could about her and watched her films obsessively; my favourite parts over and over again.
Over the years my obsessions have ranged from literary (Noel Coward), musical (REM, Manic Street Preachers, Take That), dead figures (Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger, Stephen Gately) and TV programmes (Glee, Ally McBeal, Jonathan Creek) among many others. Throughout my childhood, teenage years and now adulthood. When I moved house recently, I found all the evidence in scrap books and journals - all the scraps I had collected over the years - books, photos, cut outs from magazines, all there for me to realise I am a complete nut job!
I can obsessively listen to songs over a hundred times, watch clips of favourite bits over and over again, watch youtube videos and read about people like the best stalker, before I even realise what I am doing. I have realised I have more in common with a teenage fangirl than the average person of 29. While I realise that my behaviour is not normal, I still carry on. This is even more amazing, when I stop to consider how precious my free time actually is! Working 11 hours actually at school, then coming home to often spend another 10 hours at home during the week finishing school work, as well as housework and church - where do I fit in the rest?!
Those closest to me have likened it to a mental illness and this makes me really sad. When I stop to analyse my behaviour and realise what I am doing to myself, I can stop; I know I get to the point where I have to stop and I do. I limit my online access and physically do other things. I realise that whatever I am obsessed with has become an idol in my life and I stop it; I try to turn to God again.
But what bothers me, is that I keep repeating the same mistake - I keep getting addicted to things rather than God, I let those things take up my valuable free time rather than trying to make a difference. How often does God forgive the same mistake? Why do I need to have this in my life?
This brings me back to Paul in the Bible passage above. This is obviously my 'thorn', something that takes over if I allow it but when I stop and think about its power on me, it helps me to realise in a very real sense how much I need God. How much I need His grace and forgiveness; this keeps me humble and helps me to understand the drama in other people's lives. I have spoken to a few people on social networking sites with clearly the same issue as me, who use these things as an escape from terrible problems in their own lives. Although I don't have those issues I can relate to that need to escape - the obsessions are really just a way to escape the dullness, 'the hours' that Virginia Woolf refers to. What makes me feel sad, is that just after those things are taken away from me, I realise what an empty life I do lead and my motive for filling the time with these things in the first place.
I would love to say that being a Christian is easy - that problems all disappear, that you feel happy all the time, and for the longest time I thought this was true. Its only since meeting other Christians at work that I realise other Christians struggle with these depressing thoughts - God makes things better by giving you strength to cope, not by removing our 'thorns'.
Hopefully I can start to channel my obsessive nature into something else, something that I've wanted to do for so long - write a novel. God can give me strength in my weakness, of which I am not proud and don't boast - but I will boast in the strength and mercy God gives.
2 Corinthians 12 v5-10.
This is one of my favourite passages of the Bible - one that I go to often to remind myself of my own weaknesses and to help me with them.
Anyone that knows me well will know that I get easily obsessed with things. Thinking about this properly I can remember my first 'obsession' was when I was about 8 and first started watching Doris Day movies (ok, don't judge!). I remember keeping a list of all the films I had seen and which ones I needed to watch - I suppose my childish mind was attracted to the musical numbers and the ideal of love in those films. I felt the same way about Julie Andrews a bit later and would read all I could about her and watched her films obsessively; my favourite parts over and over again.
Over the years my obsessions have ranged from literary (Noel Coward), musical (REM, Manic Street Preachers, Take That), dead figures (Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger, Stephen Gately) and TV programmes (Glee, Ally McBeal, Jonathan Creek) among many others. Throughout my childhood, teenage years and now adulthood. When I moved house recently, I found all the evidence in scrap books and journals - all the scraps I had collected over the years - books, photos, cut outs from magazines, all there for me to realise I am a complete nut job!
I can obsessively listen to songs over a hundred times, watch clips of favourite bits over and over again, watch youtube videos and read about people like the best stalker, before I even realise what I am doing. I have realised I have more in common with a teenage fangirl than the average person of 29. While I realise that my behaviour is not normal, I still carry on. This is even more amazing, when I stop to consider how precious my free time actually is! Working 11 hours actually at school, then coming home to often spend another 10 hours at home during the week finishing school work, as well as housework and church - where do I fit in the rest?!
Those closest to me have likened it to a mental illness and this makes me really sad. When I stop to analyse my behaviour and realise what I am doing to myself, I can stop; I know I get to the point where I have to stop and I do. I limit my online access and physically do other things. I realise that whatever I am obsessed with has become an idol in my life and I stop it; I try to turn to God again.
But what bothers me, is that I keep repeating the same mistake - I keep getting addicted to things rather than God, I let those things take up my valuable free time rather than trying to make a difference. How often does God forgive the same mistake? Why do I need to have this in my life?
This brings me back to Paul in the Bible passage above. This is obviously my 'thorn', something that takes over if I allow it but when I stop and think about its power on me, it helps me to realise in a very real sense how much I need God. How much I need His grace and forgiveness; this keeps me humble and helps me to understand the drama in other people's lives. I have spoken to a few people on social networking sites with clearly the same issue as me, who use these things as an escape from terrible problems in their own lives. Although I don't have those issues I can relate to that need to escape - the obsessions are really just a way to escape the dullness, 'the hours' that Virginia Woolf refers to. What makes me feel sad, is that just after those things are taken away from me, I realise what an empty life I do lead and my motive for filling the time with these things in the first place.
I would love to say that being a Christian is easy - that problems all disappear, that you feel happy all the time, and for the longest time I thought this was true. Its only since meeting other Christians at work that I realise other Christians struggle with these depressing thoughts - God makes things better by giving you strength to cope, not by removing our 'thorns'.
Hopefully I can start to channel my obsessive nature into something else, something that I've wanted to do for so long - write a novel. God can give me strength in my weakness, of which I am not proud and don't boast - but I will boast in the strength and mercy God gives.
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