I have just finished reading Prayer by Philip Yancey and I couldn't recommend this book enough. In the last few chapters he discusses unanswered prayer and how we should pray and I came across this quotation from Carlo Caretta from his book Letters from the Desert. He writes:
"For many years I had thought I was 'somebody' in the church. I had even imagined this sacred living structure of the church as a temple sustained by many columns, large and small, each one with the shoulder of a Christian under it. My own shoulder too I thought of as supporting a column, however small... There was never enough time to get everything done. One raced continually from one project to another, from one meeting to another, from one city to another. Prayers were hurried, conversations frenzied, and one's heart in a turmoil."
When he was praying on a beach one day, he realised:
"I drew back suddenly, as though to free myself from this weight. What had happened? Everything remained in its place, motionless. Not a movement, not a sound. After twenty five years I had realised that nothing was burdening my shoulders and that the column was my own creation - sham, unreal, the product of my imagination and my vanity... the weight of the world was all on Christ crucified."
When reading this I remembered this kind of half-dream that I have had off and on over the last few years when I'm not quite asleep. I kept seeing columns and whenever I have this image it feels me with anxiety. I've come to realise this occurs when I feel stressed and thankfully haven't had the feeling for quite a while. This passage made me realise that I have been seeing myself in the completely wrong light: of that of a 'Christian worker' helping others in the church when no one else seems to; keeping myself busy with tasks in the church without praying regularly. God has taught me this in many ways over the years and although I always want to be busy for God, I don't want it to take over my life so much that I forget why and for whom I do it.
Christ has made the ultimate sacrifice so we don't have to, we shouldn't be trying to hold up the church or convincing ourselves we're important 'pillars' in the community; we are secure in Christ.
