I'm always accused of not sharing more about myself so thought I'd share something I've really struggled with for the last year, even if it is via a blog! I've been able to share these things face to face with people recently which has really helped and wanted to share my experiences as I know lots of people suffer these things in silence.
I have really struggled with anxiety, depression and worry for the last year, the last six months in particular. I've suffered with it on and off for years but have felt recently that there is no hope of me ever feeling differently. I have also started having panic attacks which are totally new to me and absolutely terrible. For months I've felt dead inside and nothing brings any joy or happiness. Guilt then starts because I feel I don't deserve my sadness; nothing has happened to me, no traumatic experience that would explain my feelings, just constant worry, constant unease and feelings of inadequacy.
It has got to the point where I cry nearly everyday at one point, normally at night, and my husband doesn't know what to do. I don't want him to feel, like I know he does, that he can't help me or bring comfort. He does, in so many ways, but I know he feels insulted and that it is a reflection of his character. It really has nothing to do with how I feel towards him as he has been fantastic throughout, he knows me so well and can bring so much comfort simply through a hug and showing me he is there.
Where is God in all of this? I think that's been the hardest part to live with. I feel completely devoid of any feeling towards God yet I keep plodding to church every week, expecting to meet God there. I know all this great stuff about God and I know He is there when I speak to Him, He occasionally speaks to me when I least expect it too. While in Austria on holiday a few weeks ago, I was standing on a bus away from family who were seated and just felt overwhelmed with sadness, that God was no where and I felt so alone in a crowd of people but God simply said - you won't find happiness in these things, only in Him. I knew it was God who spoke because it made such an impact it brought tears to my eyes to realise God was there and looking out for me. Most of the time when I pray I just get an image of a face staring back at me, with no expression and no response, possibly looking down on me as a mistake!
I know God is there and I do believe I have the gift of faith, in that my belief and faith in a God of goodness and love is always there, no matter what I go through. I know it is my fault He isn't close to me and something I need to work on in prayer.
I do feel such a fraud, in that I lead a home/church group and have responsibilities in church, but hopefully it will pass and the tears will go and I'll know that God has taught me so much through it.
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
Friday, 3 June 2011
Thursday, 2 June 2011
Guilt
Guilt, over apparently small things, has troubled me for years so I've been exploring what the Bible has to say on the issue. As my earlier post explored the issue of worry, I find they normally go hand in hand.
The issue of 'sin' in the Bible links to the concept of 'guilt'; if we keep 'the whole law and yet stumble at just one point' we are 'guilty of breaking it all' (James 2:10). There are no 'levels of sin', if we commit one, we are as guilty as someone who has committed two or more. I've always found this to be very unfair but an amazing illustration of God's grace. The Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard highlights this further when Jesus shows the workers who appeared last and completed less hours of work still get paid the same amount as the workers who have worked all day (Matthew 20). Grace works this way, no matter how late someone comes to Christ, no matter what they have done, they will have the same amount of grace and love from God as someone who has been brought up in the faith and been a Christian all their life. This seems unfair but actually shows the amazing love and generosity that God has for His people and how He is slow to anger and full of compassion (Exodus 34:6).
The author of Hebrews writes that we should have our hearts cleansed 'from a guilty cnscience' (Hebrews 10:22) and literally have 'our bodies washed with pure water' suggesting baptism as we are in the hope of new life by 'the blood of Jesus'. In Psalm 103 it is written that as 'far as the east is from the west so far has He removed our transgressions (sins) from us' (verse 12) which I love to hear - He no longer looks at our sin, we can leave it at the cross where it belongs. But us humans are quite keen to keep a hold of our guilt and be seen carrying it around!
My vicar has used this analogy a few times in his sermons and it links very well: we think we 'delete' our sin from our hard drive but just like a computer has a recycle bin we think 'deleting' our sin or asking for forgiveness, entitles us to keep going back to it, keep restoring it. When the psalmist wrote that our sins are far away from us he doesn't mean that we are able to access it, get it back, bring back the memory of it to cherish. We shouldn't be allowing ourselves to remember our sin and feel continually guilty for it; it is past and forgotten. Sometimes the consequences of our sins will be still around and prayer and forgiveness will be needed but generally when we sin and ask for forgiveness it is forgotten and dealt with.
I have been so used to feeling guilty or worried about what people say or think of me that I haven't spoken or acted, just in case! Once we are free in Christ nothing should hold us back, no worries or guilt is needed.
But what about justified guilt? What about when we genuinely do something wrong and offend or hurt people? I can feel guilty for days about things I've said or done but what should I being doing about it? I can pray and ask for forgiveness from God and the person I've hurt or offended but is this enough?
I remember a sermon by a rector at a church I attended for three years in Aberystwyth that really made me think about this. He said that he was driving past a car accident and did not stop and that this affected him for days. The guilt bothered him and no amount of praying for forgiveness would help. The issue, he said was that he should be affected by his guilt, that it should make him think about his actions and change his ways. He prayed that he would never willingly drive past an accident again or come up with excuses not to stop and help. Repentance should mean a 180 degree turn around, that we shouldn't keep making the same mistake twice or more. When he was in the same situation again he was pleased that he was able to stop and help.
So my prayer is now not just for forgiveness but if I'm in a similar situation again that I would be able to act differently and ask for God's help in this. Guilt is ultimately useless but it often leads us to assess how we can change and become more Christ-like. We shouldn't feel weighed down by guilt but completely free in the knowledge that Jesus died so we can know true freedom, without guilt.
The issue of 'sin' in the Bible links to the concept of 'guilt'; if we keep 'the whole law and yet stumble at just one point' we are 'guilty of breaking it all' (James 2:10). There are no 'levels of sin', if we commit one, we are as guilty as someone who has committed two or more. I've always found this to be very unfair but an amazing illustration of God's grace. The Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard highlights this further when Jesus shows the workers who appeared last and completed less hours of work still get paid the same amount as the workers who have worked all day (Matthew 20). Grace works this way, no matter how late someone comes to Christ, no matter what they have done, they will have the same amount of grace and love from God as someone who has been brought up in the faith and been a Christian all their life. This seems unfair but actually shows the amazing love and generosity that God has for His people and how He is slow to anger and full of compassion (Exodus 34:6).
The author of Hebrews writes that we should have our hearts cleansed 'from a guilty cnscience' (Hebrews 10:22) and literally have 'our bodies washed with pure water' suggesting baptism as we are in the hope of new life by 'the blood of Jesus'. In Psalm 103 it is written that as 'far as the east is from the west so far has He removed our transgressions (sins) from us' (verse 12) which I love to hear - He no longer looks at our sin, we can leave it at the cross where it belongs. But us humans are quite keen to keep a hold of our guilt and be seen carrying it around!
My vicar has used this analogy a few times in his sermons and it links very well: we think we 'delete' our sin from our hard drive but just like a computer has a recycle bin we think 'deleting' our sin or asking for forgiveness, entitles us to keep going back to it, keep restoring it. When the psalmist wrote that our sins are far away from us he doesn't mean that we are able to access it, get it back, bring back the memory of it to cherish. We shouldn't be allowing ourselves to remember our sin and feel continually guilty for it; it is past and forgotten. Sometimes the consequences of our sins will be still around and prayer and forgiveness will be needed but generally when we sin and ask for forgiveness it is forgotten and dealt with.
I have been so used to feeling guilty or worried about what people say or think of me that I haven't spoken or acted, just in case! Once we are free in Christ nothing should hold us back, no worries or guilt is needed.
But what about justified guilt? What about when we genuinely do something wrong and offend or hurt people? I can feel guilty for days about things I've said or done but what should I being doing about it? I can pray and ask for forgiveness from God and the person I've hurt or offended but is this enough?
I remember a sermon by a rector at a church I attended for three years in Aberystwyth that really made me think about this. He said that he was driving past a car accident and did not stop and that this affected him for days. The guilt bothered him and no amount of praying for forgiveness would help. The issue, he said was that he should be affected by his guilt, that it should make him think about his actions and change his ways. He prayed that he would never willingly drive past an accident again or come up with excuses not to stop and help. Repentance should mean a 180 degree turn around, that we shouldn't keep making the same mistake twice or more. When he was in the same situation again he was pleased that he was able to stop and help.
So my prayer is now not just for forgiveness but if I'm in a similar situation again that I would be able to act differently and ask for God's help in this. Guilt is ultimately useless but it often leads us to assess how we can change and become more Christ-like. We shouldn't feel weighed down by guilt but completely free in the knowledge that Jesus died so we can know true freedom, without guilt.
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