I was here

Songs 'speak' to me in a way the written word often doesn't and in a much quicker way. There have been many songs over the years that have meant a great deal to me and there's a fantastic song by Beyonce on her new album, called 'I Was Here', which has got me thinking:

"I was here
I lived, I loved
I was here
I did, I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know
I was here

I want to say I lived each day, until I die
And know that I meant something in, somebody's life
The hearts I have touched, will be the proof that I leave
That I made a difference, and this world will see"

The song made me cry when I first heard it; a mixture of Beyonce's beautiful voice and the moment of realisation that this woman was singing my exact thoughts of that week. I have been thinking about my motives for doing the things I do in life and whether these are honourable or not. I work long hours because I ultimately love my job and want the best for the class of children I teach; I ultimately believe that what I do contributes to the greater good - it is a vocation. But what about those things that fill the rest of our time?

I love to be busy - I love to be rushed off my feet because I secretly believe that shows my life is worth something. I enjoy my free time and holidays so I can spend time with family and friends and most importantly my husband, but during term time I love the feeling that no time is wasted, no time is left to relax and rest on my laurels. I never moan about being over-worked because I wouldn't really want it any other way. It makes me feel alive.

But are these false motives? Do I love being busy because I can't stand to be alone with my thoughts and feeling idle? The things I do for God - children's work at church, 18-30s group - are these things really for me?

The summer holidays, six long weeks, are always a struggle for me. Its become a bit of a joke among my closest friends and my husband (with me initiating the jokes of course!) that I always cry at the start of the holidays. Everything stops - all church activities, work - and I can't bear the thought of emptiness - that I'm wasting those 6 weeks, that nothing is gained. In reality I soon enjoy myself, have a good rest and meet up with people I don't get a chance to see during work time. But initially the thought of all that free time scares me!

I know this sounds a bit pathetic and most people comment to me that they are rushed off their feet, juggling with family and work and find this really hard. I can well imagine this will change if I'm privileged enough to have children and know that I may not always feel this way.

I think my real motive is encapsulated in this song of Beyonce's; the idea that I want it to have mattered that 'I was here'. I don't mean this in a 'I want to be famous and have my name remembered for centuries' way as I would never want that - you cannot take that with you when you die, it is ultimately useless. But I do want to have mattered to the small group around me; my family and friends, my church - in any small way possible. What I think I have forgotten recently is how much God is involved in my plans and how much He wants to be involved in my plans. I seem to tell God of all the things I want to do, after I've started them and I expect God to help me, to bless those plans. I recently linked this to how I allow my class to behave at school. Occasionally children in my class will walk to the door of our classroom and tell me they are going to the toilet, or to get a drink, and I have to remind them that it is a courtesy to ask an adult permission to do those things, and not to necessarily expect a positive answer! I treat God in the same way - I go to the 'door' and tell God what I am doing, the plans I have made, rather than asking. I don't mean that we necessarily have to ask God's 'permission' but I do mean that we should first find out what God would like us to do in situations that are placed before us and how best we can act to show His light. The plans God has for us are super plans anyway and often much better than we had planned for ourselves!

This brings me nicely to the reading I read at my sister-in-law's wedding yesterday - Jeremiah 29:11-14:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

His plans are good and we have the choice to be a part of them - a great privilege.