Anxiety

I'm always accused of not sharing more about myself so thought I'd share something I've really struggled with for the last year, even if it is via a blog! I've been able to share these things face to face with people recently which has really helped and wanted to share my experiences as I know lots of people suffer these things in silence.

I have really struggled with anxiety, depression and worry for the last year, the last six months in particular. I've suffered with it on and off for years but have felt recently that there is no hope of me ever feeling differently. I have also started having panic attacks which are totally new to me and absolutely terrible. For months I've felt dead inside and nothing brings any joy or happiness. Guilt then starts because I feel I don't deserve my sadness; nothing has happened to me, no traumatic experience that would explain my feelings, just constant worry, constant unease and feelings of inadequacy.

It has got to the point where I cry nearly everyday at one point, normally at night, and my husband doesn't know what to do. I don't want him to feel, like I know he does, that he can't help me or bring comfort. He does, in so many ways, but I know he feels insulted and that it is a reflection of his character. It really has nothing to do with how I feel towards him as he has been fantastic throughout, he knows me so well and can bring so much comfort simply through a hug and showing me he is there.

Where is God in all of this? I think that's been the hardest part to live with. I feel completely devoid of any feeling towards God yet I keep plodding to church every week, expecting to meet God there. I know all this great stuff about God and I know He is there when I speak to Him, He occasionally speaks to me when I least expect it too. While in Austria on holiday a few weeks ago, I was standing on a bus away from family who were seated and just felt overwhelmed with sadness, that God was no where and I felt so alone in a crowd of people but God simply said - you won't find happiness in these things, only in Him. I knew it was God who spoke because it made such an impact it brought tears to my eyes to realise God was there and looking out for me. Most of the time when I pray I just get an image of a face staring back at me, with no expression and no response, possibly looking down on me as a mistake!

I know God is there and I do believe I have the gift of faith, in that my belief and faith in a God of goodness and love is always there, no matter what I go through. I know it is my fault He isn't close to me and something I need to work on in prayer.

I do feel such a fraud, in that I lead a home/church group and have responsibilities in church, but hopefully it will pass and the tears will go and I'll know that God has taught me so much through it.